Thursday, June 08, 2006

The Divorce Amendment

MEMO: Saving the Godly Institution of Marriage
TO: Gen. J.C. Christian
FROM: Lt. Col. C. LeMay Thumper


I know you've been watching with interest the progress of the ongoing valiant efforts to defend the sacred institution of marriage from pollution at the hand of vile homosexuals, and as your right-hand man (so to speak), I know how bitterly disappointed you must have been after its defeat by Satanic forces in the Senate.

Of course, we cannot be totally downcast. After all, our comrade-in-arms in the House, Majority Leader John Boehner, is going to bring it to a vote there. Perhaps their valiant example will inspire the Senate to reconsider. It might also help drive out the homo-Satanic element from within the ranks of God's Own Party as well and eventually leads us to the Promised Land of a Christian Nation.

However, I've also been pondering the bigger picture. It seems to me that that the gay-marriage ban is simply a defensive measure, designed to stop any further erosion in the War Against Marriage as a Sacred Institution. It only stops further decay -- but the War rages on.

Why not go on the attack? Why not try to do something about the real threat to the Institution of Marriage?

That's right: Divorce.

I realized this while poring through the Scripture and trying to unearth any obscure references to how Our Lord most assuredly hates the idea of "gay marriage," and how the Bible prohibits such a thing. I have to admit that such a thing was hard to find, though I did notice that some of the old prophets had twelve wives and a number of concubines as well, which sounds like not an altogether bad proposition. But anyway.

On the other hand, the subject of divorce seems to come up a lot, especially with the Big Kahuna Himself, right there in the New Testament:
"So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate." [Matthew 19:6]

"It hath been said, Whosoever shall put away his wife, let him give her a writing of divorcement: But I say unto you, That whosoever shall put away his wife, saving for the cause of fornication, causeth her to commit adultery: and whosoever shall marry her that is divorced committeth adultery." [Matthew 5:31-32]

"The Pharisees also came unto him, tempting him, and saying unto him, Is it lawful for a man to put away his wife for every cause? And he answered and said unto them, Have ye not read, that he which made them at the beginning made them male and female, And said, For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh? Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder. They say unto him, Why did Moses then command to give a writing of divorcement, and to put her away? He saith unto them, Moses because of the hardness of your hearts suffered you to put away your wives: but from the beginning it was not so. And I say unto you, Whosoever shall put away his wife, except it be for fornication, and shall marry another, committeth adultery: and whoso marrieth her which is put away doth commit adultery." [Matthew 19:3-9]

"And the Pharisees came to him, and asked him, Is it lawful for a man to put away his wife? tempting him...And he saith unto them, Whosoever shall put away his wife, and marry another, committeth adultery against her. And if a woman shall put away her husband, and be married to another, she committeth adultery." [Mark 10:2-12]

"Whosoever putteth away his wife, and marrieth another, committeth adultery: and whosoever marrieth her that is put away from her husband committeth adultery." Luke 16:18

Now I realize that this leaves a "fornication" exception, and some later Scripture from St. Paul left a little more wiggle room:
"To the married I give this ruling, which is not mine but the Lord's: a wife must not separate herself from her husband (if she does, she must either remain unmarried or be reconciled to her husband), and the husband must not divorce his wife." [1Cor.7:10-11]

All of this, in keeping with America as Christian Nation, is something that should be written into law immediately. I propose we start a 50-state campaign urging President Bush to sponsor a Divorce Amendment, marshalling all the forces of righteousness to ward off this real threat to the institution of marriage by banning it altogether, as the Lord Himself would want us to do.

Of course, it could be written to include the "fornication" exception, as well as Paul's exception for separation. Hell, I would also be in favor of an "if your wife turns into a fat dumpy nag" exception, but I haven't yet dug up the Scriptural justification for it. Give me some time, I'm sure I can.

As you know, I'm proposing this as a divorcee myself. But it has always been my feeling that if, you know, society prohibited divorce, and she had known that the consequences would include death by stoning, my ex would never have run off that hunky guitar player in the first place.

This is why I believe a Divorce Amendment is so vital. Otherwise, how will healthy white males, well within the Viagra Years, manage to retain the purity of our bodily functions? It's become much too easy for women whose minds have been polluted by the Satanic Feminist Movement to kick us out the door like dogs on the slightest of pretenses, including the normative husbandly need for relief of our precious bodily fluids on demand.

Time to marshal the Army, sir! Victory against the real forces of evil awaits.

Yours in manly Christianity,

Lt. Col. C. LeMay Thumper

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