Tuesday, January 20, 2004

Pickling the SOTU

By Nitra Pickler
Associated Press Hack

In his State of the Union speech Tuesday night, President Bush declared that "Each day, law enforcement personnel and intelligence officers are tracking terrorist threats; analysts are examining airline passenger lists; the men and women of our new Homeland Security Department are patrolling our coasts and borders. And their vigilance is protecting America," but neglected to mention that the FBI has failed to even communicate with its own agents about domestic terrorism threats.

He also told Congress that "the tax relief you passed is working," but neglected to mention that the nation has been losing jobs at the rate of 22,000 a month since the package passed.

Bush also declared that "We are seeking all the facts" about Iraq's supposed weapons of mass destruction, the primary justification for going to war, adding that "already the Kay Report identified dozens of weapons of mass destruction-related program activities and significant amounts of equipment that Iraq concealed from the United Nations." But he neglected to mention that he just sent home his 400-person squad of searchers from Iraq, since so far more weapons of mass destruction have now been found in Texas than in Iraq.

Similarly, Bush claimed that "America is pursuing a forward strategy of freedom in the greater Middle East," but he neglected to mention that his administration has resolutely refused to become involved in the Palestine-Israel conflict, which lies at the heart of the region's turmoil.

He called for Congress to "reform our immigration laws, so they reflect our values and benefit our economy," but neglected to mention that his immigration proposal actually would benefit only employers, while worsening conditions for workers across the nation.

Bush promoted a new nationwide drug-testing program in schools, saying that "tonight I propose an additional 23 million for schools that want to use drug testing as a tool to save children's lives," but neglected to mention that he himself would likely have been kicked out of school under such a program.

He said that "the No Child Left Behind Act is opening the door of opportunity to all of America's children," but neglected to mention that his 2004 budget would underfund the legislation by $9 billion.

He declared that "our nation must defend the sanctity of marriage," but neglected to explain how allowing gays to marry violated that sanctity. Bush went on to say, "The same moral tradition that defines marriage also teaches that each individual has dignity and value in God's sight," but neglected to point out that such a principle would in itself cede the right to marry to gays.

Bush concluded his speech by saying, "May God continue to bless America," but neglected to mention that the nation has been cursed by the ineptitude of his administration since the day it was forced upon us.


Note: The above is a parody. The real Nedra Pickler would have offered counterpoints to Bush's speech that had no bearing whatsoever on what he actually said. Likewise, the real Nedra Pickler's counters would have been more in the line of, "… but he neglected to mention that Democrats are liars and traitors in any event."

And of course, she would neglect to mention that Bush's previous State of the Union address itself contained an egregious falsehood.

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